{This Moment}

 A Friday ritual inspired by Soulemamma. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. 

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. 

A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

I Think My Cat Is Trying To Kill Me

Belladonna - The Evil Mastermind of My Imminent Demise

It's all true.

Late last night I took a trip downstairs. Literally.

In the dim light from the bathroom door, teapot and empty ice cream container in hand, (ahem), I opened up the stair gate (safety first don't you know), stepped upon a strangely hairy, squashy and suddenly rapidly moving step and... fell down the rest of them onto the slate floor. 

Miraculously neither I nor the teapot were broken

What I said is unrepeatable. You would go to hell just for listening to it.

The cat escaped unharmed.

For now.

So, if you don't hear from me for a while. Call 000, claim foul play and blame the cat.

It was most definitely not suicide.

*Photo by Bayat on Flickr

Life Up Close

Mamma's New Coffee Set. Yeah Baby!

Nourish Me:: Week Four - Random Acts of Kindness

This week I have been pulling from the deep well of nourishment that is giving to others. As much as I need to nourish and take care of myself, I have found, quite unexpectedly, that giving to those in need brings a smile to my heart.

Quirky and whimsical wee bunnies.

As I mentioned in my previous post on Craft Hope, my girlfriends and I have been busily making up our birthing kits for the midwives in Haiti. We had a few hiccups to overcome, not the least of which was two of us have babies to lug around with us (and older kids in school/kinder) and the other one being a very busy working lass with a new business to cherish and grow! Still, apart from the joy of crafting (and it is a joy), it was a wonderful excuse to spend some time with two lovely women and catch up, have a giggle and still manage to do something for those in need.

Beautiful totes created by our gal Tracey

Some of the other little question marks with our kits were:

Are we allowed to send ORANGE drop sheets (yup, couldn't get the clear ones anywhere local!) and would they mind if they were a bit bigger than the suggested size? We figured that it might be helpful if they were. We certainly hope so.

Will they let us post the hand sanitizer as it apparently has ethanol in it. This might cause a kerfuffle with customs apparently. We sent it anyway as it is so important. Let's hope the Gods decide to let our box through without inspection!

Will they mind the big bars of soap as we couldn't find the little ones?

Would my cashmere bunnies be too fluffy for the newbies? They are so cute and soft and lemony but they are a bit fluffy. I'm hoping they will be alright for the little ones to cuddle and love. Laura did such a good job embroidering the faces - so cute!

Receiving blankets  - all finished and so soft!

I have to say though, that the nicest part of this whole experience was how it left me feeling. I felt good about doing something that didn't benefit me in any way but that was so important to someone else. These kits will save lives - newborn's and their mother's - that's an awesome feeling to take away from this. I CAN make a difference and hopefully, despite the quirks with our kits, we WILL!

The kit all bagged and tagged and ready to go! Cute bear made by Tracey.

The girls got a bit of a shock when they came to post our offerings. It cost a whopping $160 to post our boxes to America to be sent on to Haiti. Yikes! That was really the only downside of this particular project. Australia is so far away from America that postage really stings. But then, this just happened to be a particularly hefty project. Lots of their other stuff isn't, so don't let our experience of postage put you off. We shared the cost between the three of us and, like I said, it feels good to be helping. Anyway, isn't life priceless? It is to me.

The all important contents of the kits.

Unbelievably, just these few items save lives: Rubber gloves, hand sanitizer, a drop sheet, 3 pieces of string (for tying off the umbilical chord), alcohol wipes, a bar of soap(!) and the little extras that make it truly special - a soft toy and a beautiful snuggly receiving blanket.

So - I've been walking about with a big smile on my face because of a few hours spent gossiping, giggling and eating delicious food (thanks Laura!) for a good cause. If any of you are the least bit crafty, get on over to Craft Hope and take part. I promise you it will be the best thing you do this year.

And on that simple note, I leave you with two more things to make your heart smile.

Check this out because it made me go, 'awww'.

AND

Check this out for ways to put a smile on someone's face.


Don't forget to let me know what you guys are up to with the whole nourishment thang by leaving a comment and providing a link to your post. And don't forget to link back.


Hope you have a fantabulous week.


*All photographs taken by Laura of Warmth and Light. Good Job lady!

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by Soulemamma. 

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Craft Hope - Birthing Kits for Konbit Sante

Just a quick post to highlight something that I think is really important. I've taken some of the information from their website, so that you understand the importance of these kits and maybe be inspired to get involved. If not in this project, then in the next one. As someone who has only recently had a baby, it is especially close to my heart. It feels good to be doing something for other people and to know that something so simple can help drop the infant and mother mortality rate in such a challenging environment, makes my little heart smile. Please get involved and do what you can. 

Craft Hope is an organisation that crafts for charity. This is not as light and fluffy as it sounds. 

This year they are going back to Haiti. Project 11 (running until end of Feb) will benefit Konbit Sante, a wonderful organization that has, for nearly ten years, worked to provide the education and resources necessary to improve capacity within the public health system of Cap-Haitien, Haiti’s second largest city.  Even before the earthquake, Haiti’s health statistics were dismal, and now the need is even greater.  Shockingly, one in eight Haitian children dies before the age of five, and their maternal mortality rate is 1,400 deaths for every 100,000 –a  reflection of the fact that the majority of the population lives in poverty/on less than a dollar a day. Only one in every 10,000 Haitians has access to a physician.

For the past three years, Konbit Sante has been spearheading a family planning and maternal health project in the most needy neighborhoods of Cap-Haitien that includes working more closely to support trained birth attendants (TBAs) who attend the vast majority of births in the community. They began supplying them with safe birthing kits to use in their deliveries. TBAs attend the vast majority of births in Haiti and have no formal medical training to speak of.  The kits represent a “value added” component to their services, offer a measure of status, and are well received. There is ample evidence internationally that the kits can reduce infant and maternal mortality.

Delivery kits are one important step to improving clean delivery practices within integrated maternal and neonatal health programs. Delivery kits have several key objectives. When introduced as part of clean delivery programs, they contribute to the:

• promotion of clean delivery practices;
• reduction of maternal sepsis;
• reduction of neonatal tetanus, sepsis, and cord infection;
• reinforcement of maternal and newborn health programs; and
• provision of a convenient source of clean supplies.

In the home, supplies needed to conduct a clean delivery often are not available. Even where reusable delivery kits are used by trained TBAs, the instruments are seldom cleaned between deliveries, and necessary supplies such as clean cord ties may not be restocked. The World Health Organization (WHO) states that “The use of simple, disposable delivery kits will help achieve as clean a delivery as possible.”

Go HERE to sign up for this (or other projects) and to get a list of what to include in the kits. Or you can click on the CRAFT HOPE button on my sidebar.

Please spread the word about our current project by tweeting about it, blogging about it, putting their button on your page (the embed code is on their website), and by joining their facebook group.

Three of my bestest girlfriends are getting together tomorrow to make some kits with me. We are really excited to be doing something so worthwhile and I will be adding pictures to my flickr page and to the Craft Hope flickr page.

Go on. Get stuck in.

Nourish Me:: Week Three - The Poets Muse

nour·ish·ment 

1.

a. The act of nourishing.

b. The state of being nourished.

2. Something that nourishes; food.

Well hello thar! Welcome to Week Three of Nourish Me. Glad you could come. Sit down, grab yourself a cuppa and share the nourishy love.

This week so many things are nourishing my parched soul I feel full to overflowing. Let me share.

First of all this photo posted by Laura of Warmth and Light Photography (as part of her first nourishment post, no less), made my little heart sing. 

What I love most about this picture is it is all taken in and around MY HOME! She has reminded me so beautifully, through her sensual and inspirational photography, that my home is a source of nourishment. Through her creative eye, I see my home, my world in a new and magical way. A way that deepens my connection to this place as a place of spiritual renewal and peace. That is truly a gift.

Ok. This is a fun little creative tool that I've rediscovered recently. I used to do this a lot - when my creativity was really flowing. When you are surrounded by words in this way - sensual words, passionate words, descriptive words, funny words - then you find that your mind naturally wants to collaborate with them. To play. To bring them to life. To enjoy them. And so this week I bring you... 

Fridge Poetry 

Oh yes, I did!

From the sublime 

 To the ridiculous

So. Much. Fun.

You can buy fridge poetry magnets from any bookstore. They even come in the language of Shakespeare! I kid you not. 

Go and buy some. 

Right now. I'll wait.

Then get to work people and send me a link to your favourites! I loves it, I tells ya.

Finally. I have been on a course that has required me to take a self-portrait every day for the last seven days. I honestly thought it would be a bit of a chore. Especially as I have just a dinky little digital and not a big impressive camera with, you know, attachments and shit. But, I found it strangely satisfying. I really enjoy photography and one day hope to own a grown up camera with an adult lens of some sort. But until that gratifying day arrives, I shall piddle about thusly.

For more portraits and other stuff, check out my Flickr site.

Ok. That's enough nourishment for one week! Please do join us and link back to this site with your nourishing forays. It's so good to share. I will get a button sorted out and I will get a list of people who are joining in with the nourishment weekly if you leave me a comment with your name and URL.

Have a fantabulous week.

Mwah!

Life Up close

Heart Shaped pureed pumpkin cubes. What can I say. I love my wee Bear.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by Soulemamma. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Photo by Beanie

Life Up Close

Photo & Henna by Laura of Warmth and Light Photography

Nourish Me:: Week Two - The Happy Little Camper

I love the smell of Ducks in the morning. It smells like Camping.

Well, I would have done this post last week but I was away nourishing myself, wasn't I! Deep in the depths of darkest Lorne on the Great Ocean Road. 

So here I am now to tell you all a little story. It's a story about a woman who (very nervously) went camping for the first time in 20 - yes, you read it correctly - that's 20 years. And how she cooked outside, wee'd outside, showered in a communal block, swam (well, more like undulated like a dugong) in the surf, turned the colour of a small girls tutu (which I have renamed the colour 'Ow!'), roasted marshmallows over an open fire (and smoke really DOES get in your eyes), gazed in awe and admiration at the star flooded sky, built river rock sculptures (in the company of eels) and smiled with delight as her confident little four year old invaded neighbouring tents with her new little friends and roamed about like the wild wee beastie she is meant to be. The woman also got bitten TWICE by bull ants (OW! Fucking OW!) on two separate days and on the third was attacked by a vicious March Fly. It was...well quite wonderful actually. Turns out I AM an outdoor Kat after all. Who knew? 

Gravity has no power here...

Inspired by this magnificent creature (amongst others), we too spent an inordinate amount of time trying to defy the laws of gravity with heavy objects. Until small boys with no sense of awe decided that it would be fun to lob big rocks at them until they all disappeared back into the watery depths from whence they came. As Flight of the Conchords said so beautifully.."There are too many Mother Uckers, Uckin with my Shi"

 Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...The View... (from our tent).

See if you can spot the Spirit faces.

I did need more than just a casual relationship with coffee mind you and next time I go camping, I will be taking my cafetiere with me. I had to keep insisting we go into Lorne itself to get a caffeine fix! Apart from that though and some seriously high winds, we had a BALL. 

I spent more time outdoors than I have in too long a while. Beanie absolutely blossomed - she's as brown as a nut and just loved all the swimming, exploring, building fairy houses, meeting new kids to play with - the whole shebang. It really is a magical experience for a child. One night we let her stay up with us to roast marshmallows over the open fire and see the stars. We all lay on the ground and tried to spot shooting stars. Then, tired and full of gooey loveliness, we trotted back under canvas and snuggled under the covers listening to the sounds of Koala's growling across the water. 

Oh! And we saw one. In the wild. Sleeping up a tree just at the back of our tent. Michael has lived his whole life in Australia and never seen a real live Koala in a tree in nature. It was spectacular.

I got a feeling for what it is like to live in community with other families. I met some wonderful women and their kids. I connected with others of my 'Clan' and I felt like I belonged there. I was reminded of what I don't see so much any more - women sitting around sharing food, drinks and wisdom while their kids do what kids should be doing - ride their bikes, scream, play tag, paddle in the river, play hide and seek, invade tents, dig holes and bury themselves in them, explore rock pools, go for stupidly long walks, swim in waterfalls and bring home small dead crabs. Not a DS or a computer or a mobile phone (no reception as luck would have it) in sight. It was so natural and I didn't know I missed it until it was there again.

I returned home from the trip feeling refreshed (though supremely glad to be in my own bed again - ah lovely bed, how I missed you!). The green, the sound of running water, the fresh air, the great outdoors - it was all a balm to my scratchy, battered, weary soul. It soothed and inspired me and I came back better for the experience. 

I never thought I would be a happy camper, but I am and we are now busily planning our next trip.

I leave you with more visual nourishment of the mirthful kind.

Naughty Toes, Good Toes...

Sand Mamma - I eat? Yes?

I laugh in the face of physics...mwahahahaa


So what's nourishing you this week? Write about it, share it, inspire others and remember to link it back to here.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by Soulemamma. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Life Up Close

The Cheshire Cat

Beanie, Finn and I spent the day at the beach in Frankston admiring the wonderful sand sculptures. The theme this year was 'Creepy Crawlies', but I just so loved the Cheshire Cat's grin. I have added a few more piccies of the day because there really was just an abundance of things to grin at.

Bed Bugs

Lair of the Spider Goddess

A tribute to Tim Burton (obviously!)

Gorgeous Tree Spirit - reminds me of the ones from The Lord of the Rings

The Flea Circus 

We had a grand old time which included Beanie careering down the longest, highest slides she had ever been on (and which had, not seconds previously, frightened a 10 year old!) with the hugest grin on her face. 

That's my girl. Adventurous little boggwoppit that she is. Love it!

Back to blog the nourishment in the next day or two.

Byeee

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by Soulemamma. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. 

Nourish Me

It's daddy...

I Heart U

Gosh. Here I am again. I'm a glutton for late-night punishment that's for sure. Last night it was 2am before I could prise my hands from the keyboard. Damn that WiFi. Damn it to hell. (We wants it. The precioussss).

I've been thinking a lot about my 'word' for this year. 2010 was the year of 'Compassion' - for myself mainly as I have been known to be a tad hard on myself. Apparently. I'm not sure if I was more compassionate with myself to be honest. I tried harder though and I guess, in the end, that's what this whole yearly word thing is all about. Trying to find the right way 'in' to oneself in the moment. 

The word that has come to me for this year is 'Nourish'. 

Like compassion (and in some ways directly linked to it), nourishment is something I find hard to both give and experience. I rarely bother to think about self nourishing as my mind, body and days are stretched into the perpetual nourishment of others - particularly small, delectable others whose needs are many and often. I don't even have much nourishment left over to offer to my poor, long-suffering husband, who has been known to return home after a hard day's work, (and a long train journey) to find the stove cold and the table empty. He then has to whip up some dinner us both while I lie there in a stupor of tired bewilderedness. 

Nom Nom Nom
(image courtesy of MyVeganQuest.blogspot.com)

Actually, food is one of the main reasons why this word came up for me this year. I was going to say that I am not much of a cook. But that's actually not true. I'm a pretty good cook most of the time. My problem is that I don't enjoy it. More often than not, I find myself sagging in front of the doors of my pantry/fridge, sighing dramatically and wondering if it is not some form of subtle child abuse to offer ones progeny beans on toast for the second time in a week. Thank goodness the wee man is not yet truly experiencing my half-arsed approach to food. (Isn't 'arse' a good word?). Anyway, I digress. I am feeling the long-standing effects of nutritional laziness in many more kilos than I need, (many more kilos than a few of me needs actually), and a severely depressed immune system. (I know. It's not enough that my head is depressed, now my immune system is jumping on board. Bastard). And so. And so. And so.

I need to take the time this year to find out what truly nourishes me and then find the time to do it. This includes exercise (bleh!), proper cooking - with whole, organic, seasonal produce and such, (argh), for the whole family and, of course, trying, trying, trying to fit in some bloody meditation or yoga or writing. Oh. Sweet. Jesu. Well, what year would be complete without some massive, fear inducing, sweat producing, impossible list of changes? Certainly not mine.

Actually, it's really not quite as overwhelming as it sounds. The food thing - well,yeah. It will be a jump out of my comfort zone to meal plan (and I will have to) and to prepare things in advance because I'm such a 'seat of my pants' girl generally. But the rest of it - well that's just a case of organisation and not punishing myself (compassion) if I don't get it right first time, don't do it every day or don't meet my own (admittedly stupidly high) expectations. Again - this is about finding the things which nourish me, top up my well, feed my spirit, my heart and my mind. It's not about getting it right/perfect/done. The  journey into nourishing myself will hopefully leave me with some kind of road to follow in the future. I am not expecting miracles. I am not expecting it to happen overnight. We are talking about ahumhum years of unhealthy eating, not exercising and not wanting to change. So - I'll take it at a snail's pace and we shall see what the coming year shall bring.

In order to add a visual element to this idea of nourishment, I was going to do a '365 Days of' type thing but I think that's putting the cart before the horse. Too much pressure. SO - I am instead going to do one post a week on the whole subject of nourishment in all it's forms and this will include a photo of something that is nourishing me that week be it by mouth, eyes, heart, hands, body, soul, ears or whatever. I invite you all to join me.

Did you get that?

I INVITE YOU ALL TO JOIN ME!

Starting this week, I will write a weekly post and add a photograph about nourishment. All you have to do is the same and link it back to my post. I am even attempting to create a button you can grab and put on your blog to keep us all connected. Keep an eye out for it. (And an ear out for any sign of a technical breakdown - eyes bleeding, colourful expletives, steam coming out of my ears etc).

Life's a....

I do hope you'll join me - leave a comment and let me know if you do. Share your world. Often things which nourish one person can act as a nudge or inspiration for another. I'd love to read about the things, people, places, acts, which nourish you and who knows what might result from it. 

What's the Happy Haps?

HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL!

I have been trying to find some time to do a big catch up of all the things I've been up to. It's taken me until NOW to find the space and the quiet. The kidlets are tucked up in bed and all I am in the mood for is a creative catch up. Yes, I have been knitting and sewing up a storm recently. Being the kind of all or nothing gal that I am, I decided to make my (very tall) hubble a quilt for Christmas. I haven't ever made a quilt before and my hubbles ended up being 6ft wide by 7ft long (to cover his toesies). I made it because he has been sleeping at work off and on for the last two years due to the workload. We live nearly two hours out of the city and when he is finishing at 3am it's hardly worth coming home to get up a couple of hours later to go back, so he sleeps on the floor under his coat. I know. So I am putting together a 'Work Survival Kit' so that at least he has something warm and comfy to overwork under. But this quilt (and a couple of other little bits) kept me up until 2am on Christmas Eve. I still didn't manage to finish it but here is a picture of the WIP.

Apologies for the crap picture.

It needs sewing through and binding at the ends. It's also a bit wonky but then, so am I. So there you go.

I've also been doing a little of this:

Tie onesies for a couple of friends who are pregnant. Made one for Finn too because they are so cute! I made them from this tutorial which is awesome. Try it. You'll like it.

And once the wee girl saw Finn's she wanted one. Because that's the kind of funky sister of chic I am raising. Of course, it will probably be trashed by Friday because she is a little rough on her clothes! 

I've also been knitting up a storm. I knitted up some 'sleeves' for a couple of good girlfriends (and hoped they wouldn't think it was a crap present!). Apparently they love them (though they could just be being kind). They are like long (to the elbow or upper arm) soft, silky things that look like very long fingerless gloves. You can wear them with t-shirts or tank tops etc. I think they're cool. I'll have to get photo's of the girls wearing them for my ravelry site which is here.

I have also been up to my neck 'Neck Warmers' -  the pattern is listed on my ravelry site for FREE. And it's SO easy but it looks surprisingly good. Honest. My husbands was the most muted of the one's I knitted but with all of them I used three to four balls of wool (together) and they turned out lovely for such a beginner. The buttons that you add really make a difference too. They step the project up and make it look like something you would buy. 

Nice hubby volunteered to have his photie taken wearing his neck warmer (and his pjs!)

I have finished Finn's Eastment Jacket but need to sew it up. I also have two vintage red pixie hats finished but in need of sewing up and two jumpers. I know. It's just that I don't like the sewing things up bit. I like the knitting bit. Anyway, when I get it together to finish it. I'll post and link to them, if you're interested.

What else? Hmmm... The beautiful wee boy is now 7 months old and soooo beautiful. 

7 Months and covered in solids.

The Beanie is wonderful and dreadful challenging in equal measure at the moment. She can be amazingly helpful and she LOVES her little brother but we have had an increase in the defiance and she is developing a somewhat aggressive streak in little ways. Not sure what's going on with her but I'm trying to keep my cool and find the patience to deal with it. I'm not even going to talk to you about the whole eating thing! Too traumatic. As you can see though, she's full of life and personality!

 Oh and these are some other little crafty projects I've finished recently.

 The lovely 'Bandit' - a sock monkey made for Finn while I was pregnant with him.

And this little fella is for a friends nearly 2 year old boy whose birthday is coming up. He keeps stealing 'Minty' the green and white sock monkey I made for his sister!

Well, I have another two blog posts up my (knitted) sleeves including one on my 'word for the year' (last year was 'Compassion') but this is just really a round up of the crafty goodness I've been enjoying.

Medicating Mamma

I suppose it's been coming for a long while. I resisted and resisted and resisted but finally the day came when I simply held up my hands and said "Ok. I'll try it. I've tried everything else and nothing is changing. Maybe this will help." And so here I am. One week into taking SSRI's to control that nasty PND Fairy who has made another appearance. In some ways I'm honestly glad. The decision has been made and while it was agonising making it, it is less so in its execution. I get up, I take a tablet, I feel better. That's it really. The hardest part was trying to figure out what was worse. Psychologically damaging my kids with the rampant anger that I can't seem to figure out OR potentially psychologically (or physically) damaging my boy by taking the anti-depressants (a small amount of which comes through the breastmilk).  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the long term effects of this decision on my rapidly developing wee boy. It worries me. Truly. I just don't think that the kind of mother I was rapidly becoming - one that lit up like a flare at the slightest irritation and shouted more than she talked - was going to do him any good - and I worry all the time about how much damage my emotional rollercoaster ride has cost Lily. So this was the only reasonable decision to make. When your naturopath tells you there is nothing else for it, then I suppose you have to sit up and listen. I was on the strongest natural remedies there were and it wasn't even touching the sides. Besides, I don't want to miss the day-to-day joys of life with my kids and I don't want to put any more stress on my marriage. I need to give my kids and my all too understanding husband a break from 'cranky mommy' and find my softer, funnier side again. She's been missing for far too long.

Can I tell you a secret though? I feel weak. I do. (And this is in no way a judgement on anyone who is, like me, seeking mediation to cope with life). But I look at the life my mother led (with four kids not just two) and I look at the life my sister leads with 6 kids (4 adopted, two natural - one of whom has ADHD, ADD, Aspergers and is a high functioning Autistic) and I wonder why, with all the love and support I have (that they did not) that I am not coping better. I know people say not to compare yourself to others but it's hard not to. These are the women of my family and I feel like I am letting them down. That I a letting myself down. I mean, I should be able to do this without medication, right? It's just raising two children. I am privileged enough to not have to work and can be with them every day. They are wonderful, beautiful, funny kids and I adore them. Yet. I struggle. Why? I don't know. I can blame my childhood sure but isn't it up to us how much we let the past affect our future? I'm sure there is some deep seated resentments about mothering and whatnot but again, I chose this life. I am blessed to have two healthy, gorgeous babies to love and cherish, so why is it often so hard. The reason I decided to take the medication was because I found myself thinking that Beanie would just be better off without me. I felt for the first time that I just wanted to run away. I have NEVER felt that way before. Never. Admittedly, that day was a bad one but I took Finn and I got in the car and I truly was not sure I was ever coming back. I drove around the hills in the dark for over two hours and when I got back my hubby and my girl were waiting for me. Beanie wouldn't go to sleep until I came home. And I felt ashamed of myself for wanting to leave her.


The guilt that comes with motherhood is immense for some of us. The fear that our mistakes will make permanent marks on our children's childhood and lead to terrible emotional and psychological problems later on, is truly terrifying. The shame that comes with each mistake. The pain of knowing that you have made yet another scar on a little life. These are the things I can't live with. I don't want this to be my mothering legacy. I want to do it better. I want to see their faces light up when we play. I want to see them reach out to me for help or a hug or just because I'm there. I want them to know that their mother loves them and I want to show them that love by being here, by being fully present in the moment with them. I want to at least start to find the joy again because four years is a long time for it to be gone.


So far so good (if you ignore the nausea and the slightly squirrely tummy). It seems to be helping a little bit every day. I find myself not so anxious, not so irritated. Believe me when I say that this is a big improvement. I got through a whole week last week and barely shouted at all. Again- big change. Lily's behaviour has improved. I'm not sure if that's in response to me relaxing or because she's finally coming out of the stubborn, rude, oppositional place she's been residing in for the last year and a bit. It's hard to know but it isn't hard to appreciate the changes. Maybe I should have done this sooner. No doubt there will be guilt around that if I think too hard about it. I tried so hard to do it any other way but here I am. At least there is the possibility of change here right now and I'm very grateful for that. Maybe the lesson here is learning when to ask for help and know which help to take. All I can do is wait and see.


In reality, life moves along so unbelievably quickly and I don't want to miss any more of it feeling bad. I mean look at them. Look at how much they have changed already. Blink and it's gone. 

Lily's fourth birthday party.

My gorgeous violet eyed Finn - 5 months (photo taken by Laura of Warmth and Light Photography). 

Me, tired but happy. As opposed to just tired.

So I guess this is where I am at right now. For better or worse this is the decision I have made. There is a lot of work ahead of me - inner as well as outer - but I ask only for a pause in my head between the spark and the flame - just long enough to blow it out before it consumes me.


That's not too much to ask, is it?