Nourish Me

It's daddy...

I Heart U

Gosh. Here I am again. I'm a glutton for late-night punishment that's for sure. Last night it was 2am before I could prise my hands from the keyboard. Damn that WiFi. Damn it to hell. (We wants it. The precioussss).

I've been thinking a lot about my 'word' for this year. 2010 was the year of 'Compassion' - for myself mainly as I have been known to be a tad hard on myself. Apparently. I'm not sure if I was more compassionate with myself to be honest. I tried harder though and I guess, in the end, that's what this whole yearly word thing is all about. Trying to find the right way 'in' to oneself in the moment. 

The word that has come to me for this year is 'Nourish'. 

Like compassion (and in some ways directly linked to it), nourishment is something I find hard to both give and experience. I rarely bother to think about self nourishing as my mind, body and days are stretched into the perpetual nourishment of others - particularly small, delectable others whose needs are many and often. I don't even have much nourishment left over to offer to my poor, long-suffering husband, who has been known to return home after a hard day's work, (and a long train journey) to find the stove cold and the table empty. He then has to whip up some dinner us both while I lie there in a stupor of tired bewilderedness. 

Nom Nom Nom
(image courtesy of MyVeganQuest.blogspot.com)

Actually, food is one of the main reasons why this word came up for me this year. I was going to say that I am not much of a cook. But that's actually not true. I'm a pretty good cook most of the time. My problem is that I don't enjoy it. More often than not, I find myself sagging in front of the doors of my pantry/fridge, sighing dramatically and wondering if it is not some form of subtle child abuse to offer ones progeny beans on toast for the second time in a week. Thank goodness the wee man is not yet truly experiencing my half-arsed approach to food. (Isn't 'arse' a good word?). Anyway, I digress. I am feeling the long-standing effects of nutritional laziness in many more kilos than I need, (many more kilos than a few of me needs actually), and a severely depressed immune system. (I know. It's not enough that my head is depressed, now my immune system is jumping on board. Bastard). And so. And so. And so.

I need to take the time this year to find out what truly nourishes me and then find the time to do it. This includes exercise (bleh!), proper cooking - with whole, organic, seasonal produce and such, (argh), for the whole family and, of course, trying, trying, trying to fit in some bloody meditation or yoga or writing. Oh. Sweet. Jesu. Well, what year would be complete without some massive, fear inducing, sweat producing, impossible list of changes? Certainly not mine.

Actually, it's really not quite as overwhelming as it sounds. The food thing - well,yeah. It will be a jump out of my comfort zone to meal plan (and I will have to) and to prepare things in advance because I'm such a 'seat of my pants' girl generally. But the rest of it - well that's just a case of organisation and not punishing myself (compassion) if I don't get it right first time, don't do it every day or don't meet my own (admittedly stupidly high) expectations. Again - this is about finding the things which nourish me, top up my well, feed my spirit, my heart and my mind. It's not about getting it right/perfect/done. The  journey into nourishing myself will hopefully leave me with some kind of road to follow in the future. I am not expecting miracles. I am not expecting it to happen overnight. We are talking about ahumhum years of unhealthy eating, not exercising and not wanting to change. So - I'll take it at a snail's pace and we shall see what the coming year shall bring.

In order to add a visual element to this idea of nourishment, I was going to do a '365 Days of' type thing but I think that's putting the cart before the horse. Too much pressure. SO - I am instead going to do one post a week on the whole subject of nourishment in all it's forms and this will include a photo of something that is nourishing me that week be it by mouth, eyes, heart, hands, body, soul, ears or whatever. I invite you all to join me.

Did you get that?

I INVITE YOU ALL TO JOIN ME!

Starting this week, I will write a weekly post and add a photograph about nourishment. All you have to do is the same and link it back to my post. I am even attempting to create a button you can grab and put on your blog to keep us all connected. Keep an eye out for it. (And an ear out for any sign of a technical breakdown - eyes bleeding, colourful expletives, steam coming out of my ears etc).

Life's a....

I do hope you'll join me - leave a comment and let me know if you do. Share your world. Often things which nourish one person can act as a nudge or inspiration for another. I'd love to read about the things, people, places, acts, which nourish you and who knows what might result from it. 

One Little Word

Photo by G-Square

Sara over at Mammacraft has a lovely post all about how she chooses one word that sets the tone for her year and it got me thinking. Thinking about what my word might be and how, if I choose it well, it might help me to remember to breathe and to let go when things are getting tough.

I had to think about it for a little while. So many great words popped into my head like LOVE or PATIENCE (sorely needed) or SURRENDER, which, lets face it, is the word that haunts me like the ghost of Greyfriars Bobby. It is my LIFE word. But in the end I chose COMPASSION, which is a lofty word but also a simple, easily understood one.

I am not as compassionate as I would have thought. In delving into the meaning of this word ('awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.'), and what I think it can bring to my awareness this year, I realised it had the potential to be truly transforming. I also realised that the two people who needed my compassion the most are the same two people who receive it least often - my beautiful Beanie-girl me and me. And that was both surprising and terribly obvious.

I am aware of my own suffering, some of it needless - a case of suffering over my suffering if you will. I am acutely aware of my daughter's suffering, even though she is not and aware that I am the cause of much of it, even when I try so hard not to be. I am aware of every mistake made and every wrong choice. What I need to be aware of is every right choice made, every kind word, every good decision and every time I get it right, as opposed to so very, very wrong. What I need to be aware of is her smile, her curiosity and her unbelievable awe at the world and allow myself to be more often humbled by them. I need to remember that there is no time for us but now and that I can't afford to waste even a second of it because it will never come again. Hence compassion. When I am angry or frustrated, if I can breathe and unclench and remember that I am, fundamentally, a being of love and grace, then maybe I can bite my tongue before I lash out verbally. If I can remember to be compassionate with myself, then maybe I won't be so bitter about my mistakes or so ruthless with my imperfections. If I can remember to be compassionate to my child, then maybe I won't take everything so personally and I will stop trying to escape from the 'what is' in favour of the 'what I wish was'. A tall order I know, but then maybe I need a small but lofty emotional ambition this year because without it I fear I may drown.

I don't think that this word/heart journey will be easy. I have gotten so used to being hard on myself and my child that I know I will forget more than I remember. But I have hope. Hope of a change in the dynamic of our relationship to one of gentleness and tenderness instead of aggravation and struggle, because it is only a lack of awareness in the heated moments that prevents me from being the mother I long to be. And it is only my desire to change this that allows me to face each new day.

And so, I invite you to choose your word for the year and, if you want to, share it with me. You can do a link back to this post if you like and we can take a gentle little journey through all the simple words that touch our hearts and inspire our journeys.